Skeleton in the closet update!

The trial is over, and the verdict is in.... Guilty on 3 counts of 1st degree murder and sexual assault.

Kenny has been sentenced to life in prison and I am torn about this verdict. On the one hand, I am grateful because my grandmother could not handle the stress if he would have been sentenced to die. On the other hand, what he did was horrific and death would have been fitting to the crime.

But I don't question God and I know he is in control so I am comforted in that:) I am just so glad that this four year nightmare has finally come to an end for my family. Now we can move on and begin to heal.

As I said before, this situation brought up a lot of unresolved issues in our family and I pray that we can deal with the real issues at hand now that this is over. I just love how God will use the sins and situations of others, to show us the sins in ourselves:) He's funny like that!
I want to praise God for His sovereignty and I have already seen him glorified through this ordeal.

My mom has forgiven my grandmother and they have begun rebuilding their relationship. They got together over Thanksgiving for the first time in a while and I am grateful!

This tragedy gave me an opportunity to witness to my family. I know many of the things I said shocked them at times, but in the end, you can't argue with truth!
My prayer now will continue to be for healing in my family, but also for Kenny's salvation! I pray that he will turn to the Lord and repent for the sins he committed so that he too can join his maker and be with his mother, brother and sister!

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THANKS ~ giving!

"Enter His gates with Thanksgiving and His courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise His name." Ps 100:4

I have seen this verse pop up a lot lately with the Thanksgiving holiday here and it's funny because this is the verse we're teaching our kids at school, but I really hadn't thought much about it's meaning until last weekend. I realized that I have soooooooo much to give thanks for and that's what this blog is about!

First and foremost, I want to give thanks to my merciful, loving maker and savior! I was lost, broken, lonely, depressed, desperate, angry, selfish, resentful, mentally and sexually broken, hateful, ( I could go on, but my self-esteem can't take it:-) I rebuked God and everything He and his people stood for! They were freaks to me, nerds, people with no lives, hypocrites and so on. I never thought I'd see the day where I would be so proud to be one of those "freaks"!!!!
My life is full of purpose and meaning, and all the love I was so desperately seeking, He gave me. And His love is far better than I had ever imagined it would be! I am thankful to no longer be in bondage to my past life and I am forever grateful for the new life I have been given!

"Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the worst." 1 Tim. 1:15

Thank you Jesus for your unconditional love and for giving your life so that I could be reborn with a passion and desire to serve and love only you!

Next, I am so thankful for my husband and children! I searched and searched to find someone so that I could have stability and love in my life. I never found it on my own! When I stopped focusing on my wants and realized I had a greater need (Jesus), He provided me with exactly what I needed! According to the world, every card was stacked against our relationship. I was a single mom, with two bi-racial children from different men. I was fiercely independent, bossy and angry most of the time. (If you ask my husband, he may say we're still working on some of those:-)

We met, 6 months later we were engaged, and within a year we were married! I have never experienced love like the love we have! Together, we have grown in our relationship with the Lord by leaps and bounds! The closer we grow towards God the closer Jarrod and I become to one another! I love my husband and the way he loves me! I also love the way he cares and provides for my children like they're his own!

Thank you Jesus for providing me with a Godly husband! Thank you for using him to show me what Godly love feels like and for showing me that I can trust others!

Along with my husband, I am thankful for my kids!! When I had my son Trevor at 16, I had no idea how to be a mother nor did I want the responsibility. Then a few years later we realized he had special needs. I was not a believer at the time so I handled it the best way I could, poorly!

I use to wish that I could go back and do things over with Trevor having the knowledge that I have now, but I am grateful that I can't go back because everything we went through brought us both closer to the Lord. God has helped me see my son for the humble, caring, creative blessing that he is, and I appreciate it so much more.

Thank you God for giving me Trev and thank you for using him to teach me patience and humility!

Oh, and little Miss Mackenzie! Jarrod says she's me, just a smaller version! Sassy, and ready to fight to the death for what she believes! There has been times that I have locked myself in the bathroom to get away from arguing with her! I know, it's sad, but true:-) But even through the battles, God has shown me the potential in her to be a great disciple for Him! I am thankful that He has entrusted me with such a precious gift!

Thank you God for giving me Kenzie and for using her to teach me patience and the need to train children up for a life serving you!

And my wonderful, wonderful friends! True friendship is something to be treasured today! I have been blessed with numerous people in my life who love me and care about me, but there are three people that God has been so gracious to share with me!

My beautiful friend Lisa! I love her dearly and God only knows why she has put up with me for over 21 years! We have shared everything and witnessed the good and bad in each others lives for over two decades! Lisa is the type of friend that even if I am dead wrong, she would never call me out in front of anyone! I can't think of a memory in my life that she is not a part of! She has always been there for me, and me for her! When I am down, she is always there to make me laugh! I can be myself with her, and she accepts that! When I stumble, she doesn't call my a hypocrite. She knew me before I was a believer and after, and she loved me all the same! I have watched her grow from a lanky, home perm wearing girl, to a beautiful, loving mother!

Thank you God for blessing my life with Lisa! Thank you for using her to teach me loyalty and the importance of forgiveness!

And another great friend in my A&W! I am sure there are hundreds of people with fond memories of her, but I like to think mine is the best:-) This girl loved me and never gave up on planting the seed of the gospel in my life! If I had a dollar for every time I heard her say," Today is the day of your salvation," I could retire! God used her to lead me to him and she was there when I prayed Him into my life! She never left me when I was carnal, and discipled me until I could stand on my own! She has always been the friend, that no matter how busy, I can call on her anytime, and I do!

Thank you God for sending Nicole into my life! Thank you for using her to open my heart and mind to your love and sovereignty!

Last, but far from least is my Ambi! What a blessing she has been in my life! It's awesome how God knows when we need certain people and He is always on time in providing us with them:-) This girl works with me EVERYDAY, we go to Sunday school and church together, she tutors my son, we do a Bible study together, and on, and on! You would think that we would be sick of each other, but I can't get enough of her! I probably call her every night of the week! She is the friend that will always tell me the truth whether I want it or not! She is such a Godly person that she keeps me accountable most times without saying a word! She knows the shameful secrets of my past and doesn't judge! When I stumble, she's there to brush me off and push me back out there!

Thank you God for putting Amber in my life to be that constant encourager that I need! Thank you for using her to teach me acceptance and the importance of a Christ centered life!

On this Thanksgiving, and everyday I give thanks, I will be grateful for the blessings, big and small in my life!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

Skeletons in the closet....

It's close to Halloween and I thought this was an appropriate title for this post. We all have things in our life that we choose not to share out of fear of judgment. Well, this is one of those things.
I was reading a friends blog recently and was truly inspired by her honesty about a situation she was going through so it encouraged me to be more transparent with this situation.
Four years ago my cousin committed a sinful, and horrific act by killing his mother, brother and sister. Our family has been divided by this and it has brought out some things that had been "swept under the rug" for a long time.
My grandmother is supporting my cousin, Kenny, and visits him every week and has been way involved since day one. She is a believer, but has been fooled by many "wolves" during these four years. Although she knows the word is true, she tends to bend it now.
I'm not sure their motives, but the lawyers and several others have actually compared my cousin to Jesus. I shutter to even type that, but it's true. I have been in close contact with my grandmother during all of this because I want to be the voice of truth in her life right now, and gratefully, she listens.
In the other corner is my mother, my aunt and my uncle. They have all decided to avoid my grandmother, their mother, like the plaque until the trial is over. (it started today)
They all are holding onto a lot of baggage from their childhood and are very bitter about many things going on right now.
My mom, who is awesome, will listen to truth but is just not ready to forgive right now. I was reminded about the days before I had Jesus and just how angry I was about everything and everyone. Even when I said I was ok, there was still bitterness in my heart. There was no true peace or joy in my life, even when things were going good!
Just pray that everyone will see God's sovereignty during and after this and that his will, will be done! I also ask that you pray for forgiveness and healing in my family and that those who do not know God, or have been away for a long time will come to know Him as their Lord! And pray for Kenny and his salvation. His mother and brother and sister had accepted the Lord as their savior just weeks before they died! I know Kenny did a horrible thing, but he is no less deserving of salvation than me so please pray that he too will seek forgiveness!

Whoa is me...

As Christians, why do we (meaning me right now) get caught up in the feeling of "how dare they" when someone sins against us or others? Lately I have been struggling with a friend who professes to know the Lord as they're personal savior but the fruits are not so apparent. I should be in deep prayer for this person, instead I am bathing in my bitterness and anger.
I find myself making a joke of the situation so not to be frustrated but deep down I feel like I have done all I can and I should move on before I begin and/or continue to stumble.
Let me say, I do try and help my friend be accountable for their actions, but I am quickly frustrated when I do not see an immediate change. I think I have an idea of how our Father feels when we continually beat our heads up against the same wall when He's lovingly commanding us to stop :-)
It's funny how quickly we give up on people not remembering how broken we use to be and at many times, still are. At what point is it ok to "give up"? I read Matthew 18:15 "If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone........ " and try to check myself and my heart to make sure that I AM doing everything I should and could be. This is a hard question for me because I am really not sure.
I try to remind myself that no matter what is done or happens to me, I never receive more than I deserve and every situation in one that will help me grow in my faith. I also try to remember, although lately this has been hard, that I am not fit nor do I have the authority to judge my friends heart.

I AM A CHRISTIAN!!!!

I stand corrected! I received an email from Mackenzie's teacher tonight that said she prayed with Kenzie on Monday and she got saved.
I was a little skeptical because on Monday Kenzie was very upset that she "was the only one in the family who wasn't a christian" and I just wanted to make sure her prayer was out of conviction not selfishness.
When we got home from awana's tonight, she walked into the office and began to cry. She wanted me to pray with her so that she could be a christian. We talked about her prayer on Monday with her teacher and I explained that she only has to pray once. She was upset because she wanted Jesus to take all the "bad stuff" out of her heart now! Oh the faith of a child!
The spirit of the Lord is working in this house and I am GRATEFUL!!! My husband has renewed his faith, my son has received salvation and now my daughter!!
Lord, I thank you for these blessings!! I thank you for your mercy and love that was able to turn a sinner like me into a believer! I thank you for allowing me to be a new creation so that I may show my children to way! Thank you!

I'M NOT A CHRISTIAN!!!!!!!

Recently we've decided to join the church we have been attending for the past year and it has stirred up lots of conversations at our house. Jarrod has been baptized so he'll be joining by letter, I on the other hand have never been a member of a church so I'll be joining by baptism. (yay!) The kids had lots of questions about all of this and even got to play in the tub where I'll be baptized. (they thought it was a big hot tub!!)
When I put them to bed Sunday night, Trevor asked me about becoming a Christian. He's been talking a lot about this lately so this was normal conversation for us. But this night, he decided he was ready to accept Jesus as his Lord and Savior and we prayed then talked about what it meant and then I cried!!!!!!!
On the way to school the next morning I told him to share his good news with his sister. Trevor said, "Guess what? I'm a fisher of men now! Mom, what is a fisher of men again?" I told him and then Mackenzie asked if he was a Christian and he said yes.
Well, she got real quiet and anyone who knows her realizes how unusual this is so I looked through the review mirror and she was bawling!!!!!
When I asked her why she was crying she busted out and said,"I'm the only one in our family whose not a Christian!"
Of course I was fighting back the laughter and I explained to her that God was there whenever she was ready. But I will admit, she is a prideful thing! She started making all the excuses in the world for why she couldn't be a christian right now.
It's funny because at that moment I was frustrated because she was allowing her pride to keep her from the best thing that will ever happen but then I quickly remembered how prideful and out right stubborn I was!
At seven years old, she views Christianity much like I did; thinking you have to give up more than you'll gain and believing that you need to get your life right before coming to Him. She finally said that her heart was just too dirty right now and that she needs to learn more about the bible.
I see how He is working in her heart and I am so grateful! How awesome the day will be when I am comforted by knowing where my babies will spend eternity!!!!!!!!!

Through Him ALL things are possible!!!!!

Praise be to God!!!!!!! We just received progress reports and Trevor is doing AWESOME!!! Last year he struggled and with his autism, was labeled learning disabled.
Five years ago, I went through mediation with wcpss, during which I was told that Trevor would never perform on grade level. In their eyes, I was pursuing services for my child that he would "never benefit from." They were asking me as his mother to give up and surrender to the idea of what they thought he would be.
I knew in my heart that God had a different plan!! I found comfort in knowing that He is the creator and is in total control! I have also been blessed with lots of friends who have encouraged me along the way!
Three years ago God blessed me with a husband who embraced me and my children and was willing to love them as his own. Realizing Trevor's needs, he knew we had to get him out of public school. All the members of Trevor's IEP team thought we were making a huge mistake and that we weren't be realistic. We prayed for wisdom and God opened the door for us at a wonderful christian school and it has been a blessing to our entire family!!!
Monday the kids progress reports came home and I am more than happy to announce that Trevor, our autistic son, the one which all hope was lost (according to the "professionals") is making A's and B's at his new school!
I know that God is glorified in everything and in this I am ecspecially humbled!!! It reminds me that God IS in total control and has a plan and purpose for us all. It also helps me remember that nothing is too hard for God!

Why I Blog?

I am asking myself this very question as I try to set up my new blog. Several years ago, my friend Nicole asked me to create a blog so people could keep up with what was new in my life. She encouraged me to get a myspace account (we won't mention how that turned out) and then facebook. I wasn't sure if all 5 of my friends would be interested in reading about me and my family on my blog but I started one anyway.

After thinking about it and consulting my spiritual advisor, Amber:-) I realized that I might share something that can be helpful to someone else or to myself. I struggle with daily thoughts and actions that are definitely not glorifying God and I'm sure I'm not alone. So I guess I blog to share my struggles and triumphs with those who care to read about them.