Forgiveness, Hope, Disappointment and Bitterness....

If I had to give a name to the merry-go-round I am on right now, it would be "Forgiveness, Hope, Disappointment, and Bitterness". I know it's a long name for a ride, but that's the jest of the cycle I am on with a couple of people right now.
Ever since my spiritual birth, I have struggled with my temper. I know those who know me are snickering right now and saying, no; really:) I don't deny it nor do I make excuses for it, but because of that struggle, I don't always deal with situations appropriately.
I know the cycle I am on does not glorify God, but I am struggling with the point at which I am dishonoring Him. See, I forgive those that have let me down or hurt me to the point I forget what they have done. That's where the hope comes in.
I get so excited and hopeful about their "change" that I believe things will be so much better...... Enter disappointment:(
When they let me down, it's so unexpected, well to me at least, and I get hurt. I begin to get consumed with the hurt and I want so bad to right the wrong. And then my old friend bitterness enters!
Bitterness is a scary emotion for me because it puts me so dangerously close to who I was before Christ and I don't like that person! Don't get me wrong, that part of my life is important because if I forget it, I'll get too comfortable and risk slipping back there, but I don't like being bitter. It usually leads to anger for me and my thoughts, heart and actions aren't right towards the person whose offended me. I begin to drudge up all the previous wrongs and then I really get bitter.
I guess I just need a little encouragement and some loving accountability. First and foremost, I want to glorify God with not only my words, but my actions. It's also hard for me to remember that I can't expect Godly things from ungodly people, because I do. I know I don't pray for these individuals enough and I allow myself to be changed by their actions, which isn't their fault, then I blame them. So if anyone has any encouraging scriptures, or thoughts on what I should do, please share:)

Thankful:)

Have you ever had one of those random moments where you just become overwhelmed with all that the Lord has blessed you with? I have them often and yesterday I found myself driving back from class and sobbing on I-40:) I guess the song on the radio is what triggered it; You're not alone by Meredith Andrews. The song made me remember all the times in my life where I thought I was suffering through it alone:)
Before turning my life over to Christ, I was dating someone that I should have never got involved with. After a few weeks together I started seeing things in him that should have made me run, but he wanted me and I was so scared no one else would. About two months into the relationship the abuse started. At first it was just the threatening, and jerking me around but then it got worse. At one point he had jerked me around in front of a friend who told him to calm down and he threaten to kill all of us. You would think any rational person would have taken this as a cue to get away, but not me. The sad thing is, this is all I knew love to be, my father had been very abusive when I was a child.
He began to control everything in my life; if he called, I had to answer and he would pop up at my house in the middle of the night. One day, while visiting his family, I got the nerve to tell him that I wasn't happy and I wanted to leave. Surprisingly he was very calm and he said he understood. We went back to the place we were staying so I could gather my things and drive back home. While I was packing, I heard someone come in, then leave. I didn't think anything about it. Then he walked back to where I was packing and asked me if I would just stay the night because it was late and he didn't want me to drive so far with the kids. He was being so reasonable that I agreed. I put the kids to bed and then went back into the living room and sat down beside him. Before I knew what was happening, he had me on the floor with a pistol to my head. He told me that he'd kill me before he'd let me leave him. I began begging for my life and for my kids. I tried to reason with him but I could tell there would be no reasoning. To this day I can't remember what he was saying to me, all I can remember is how my mind was racing with ways to get away and get my kids out. For four long hours, he kept the gun to me, moving me around the house telling me he wanted to find a place that I wouldn't make such a mess. At one point I closed my eyes and just began praying; mostly for my kids.
Then the moment came, he told me that he loved me and put the gun to my face and pulled the trigger. Nothing happened, only the click of the gun; no pop or bang. The gun wasn't loaded. The friend who had come earlier had brought the gun unloaded. I cried with relief.
It was morning by now and his mom called his phone. It was unusual for her to call because it was so early, but she said that she wanted us to go to breakfast with her before we left. He agreed and told me to go get ready.
Eventually I was able to safely leave the relationship. I don't think about it often, but sometimes I still struggle with dreams about it. Yesterday while listening to that song, I became so overwhelmed with God's protection over me!
Jesus hadn't just magicly popped into my life when I asked Him to, He had always been in my life! Protecting me and comforting me. I had called out to Him that night and He saved me!
Humbled is an understatement of what I felt yesterday. That song made me realize that God had made me and even though I had turned my back on my maker, He never turned His back on me! When I thought I was only good enough for a man who abused me, He was yelling from the mountain tops that I was worth so much more; I was worth His life!

Happy New Year!!!!

Last night we rang in the New Year with our friends, Chad and Amber! We played a very interesting game of monopoly and exchanged Christmas gifts. No talks about New Years resolutions which was good because I have a hard time seeing mine through January:D
Looking back at 2008, I am overwhelmed with what God has done in my life. Yes, I know I still have a billion miles to go, but I am so grateful for the few miles I gained in 08'. A BIG one for me was learning to let go of what I call "the little things." You know; how Mackenzie's hair looks or if Trevor's clothes match or how Jarrod cleaned the kitchen.
The biggest thing I let go in 08' was my hatred for my father. No, we haven't made amends but I have forgiven him and I pray for the day that I can ask him to forgive me too for the anger and bitterness that I have been hanging on to for so long.
Another milestone for me in 08' was my relationship with my husband. I did not really understand what it meant to be a wife or how to let someone else come into our lives and "take control". Jarrod and I were blessed to win a weekend marriage retreat at Ridgecrest through our church, and I will say, it changed us both! I thought by most accounts, we had a good marriage; little fights here and there but we loved each other. God used that retreat to show us how much better it could be and we were both willing and ready to put Christ first in our marriage.
08' was a great year for my children as well! God chose Trevor and Mackenzie and they both accepted Christ as their savior this year! I have seen the fruits in Trevor and it is great to witness how God can use a child to do His will! He has such a heart and tons of compassion for God's people and I can't wait to see what's in store for him!
And my little girl; strong willed as ever! The fruits are there but our growth is happening more slowly! But one thing that isn't growing slowly is her love for pleasing God! If she feels she has offended Him or sinned against Him she is moved to tears. I know she will be a great disciple for Him and He will use that strong willed attitude for His glory!
After more than 5 years of being saved, I finally made the commitment and joined a church!!! YAYYYYYYY! We had been "visiting" Chad and Amber's church for over a year and we knew we felt at home there so we joined! And I joined by baptism. I finally got baptized! Jarrod had been baptized as a child but felt he made the decision without understanding the need for a personal relationship with Christ. He recommitted his life to Him and we were baptized together:D

It was a great ending to 08'! My commitment to Christ, for me, had come full circle! My closest friends and family were there to share in the day which made it all the more meaningful:D
So what's my resolution for 2009? First and foremost it's to remember who I am and whose I am! Every year I go through the cycle of putting Christ first, then getting caught up in my selfishness! I want to remember that when I am pleasing God, I am truly my happiest! I want to put my family ministry first above all other things and continue to pray for a servants heart! I also would like to stop giving up so easily when faced with someone I love who thinks that my "religion" is foolish.
To sum it all up, I just want to BE STILL, AND KNOW HE IS GOD!