Forgiveness, Hope, Disappointment and Bitterness....

If I had to give a name to the merry-go-round I am on right now, it would be "Forgiveness, Hope, Disappointment, and Bitterness". I know it's a long name for a ride, but that's the jest of the cycle I am on with a couple of people right now.
Ever since my spiritual birth, I have struggled with my temper. I know those who know me are snickering right now and saying, no; really:) I don't deny it nor do I make excuses for it, but because of that struggle, I don't always deal with situations appropriately.
I know the cycle I am on does not glorify God, but I am struggling with the point at which I am dishonoring Him. See, I forgive those that have let me down or hurt me to the point I forget what they have done. That's where the hope comes in.
I get so excited and hopeful about their "change" that I believe things will be so much better...... Enter disappointment:(
When they let me down, it's so unexpected, well to me at least, and I get hurt. I begin to get consumed with the hurt and I want so bad to right the wrong. And then my old friend bitterness enters!
Bitterness is a scary emotion for me because it puts me so dangerously close to who I was before Christ and I don't like that person! Don't get me wrong, that part of my life is important because if I forget it, I'll get too comfortable and risk slipping back there, but I don't like being bitter. It usually leads to anger for me and my thoughts, heart and actions aren't right towards the person whose offended me. I begin to drudge up all the previous wrongs and then I really get bitter.
I guess I just need a little encouragement and some loving accountability. First and foremost, I want to glorify God with not only my words, but my actions. It's also hard for me to remember that I can't expect Godly things from ungodly people, because I do. I know I don't pray for these individuals enough and I allow myself to be changed by their actions, which isn't their fault, then I blame them. So if anyone has any encouraging scriptures, or thoughts on what I should do, please share:)

Thankful:)

Have you ever had one of those random moments where you just become overwhelmed with all that the Lord has blessed you with? I have them often and yesterday I found myself driving back from class and sobbing on I-40:) I guess the song on the radio is what triggered it; You're not alone by Meredith Andrews. The song made me remember all the times in my life where I thought I was suffering through it alone:)
Before turning my life over to Christ, I was dating someone that I should have never got involved with. After a few weeks together I started seeing things in him that should have made me run, but he wanted me and I was so scared no one else would. About two months into the relationship the abuse started. At first it was just the threatening, and jerking me around but then it got worse. At one point he had jerked me around in front of a friend who told him to calm down and he threaten to kill all of us. You would think any rational person would have taken this as a cue to get away, but not me. The sad thing is, this is all I knew love to be, my father had been very abusive when I was a child.
He began to control everything in my life; if he called, I had to answer and he would pop up at my house in the middle of the night. One day, while visiting his family, I got the nerve to tell him that I wasn't happy and I wanted to leave. Surprisingly he was very calm and he said he understood. We went back to the place we were staying so I could gather my things and drive back home. While I was packing, I heard someone come in, then leave. I didn't think anything about it. Then he walked back to where I was packing and asked me if I would just stay the night because it was late and he didn't want me to drive so far with the kids. He was being so reasonable that I agreed. I put the kids to bed and then went back into the living room and sat down beside him. Before I knew what was happening, he had me on the floor with a pistol to my head. He told me that he'd kill me before he'd let me leave him. I began begging for my life and for my kids. I tried to reason with him but I could tell there would be no reasoning. To this day I can't remember what he was saying to me, all I can remember is how my mind was racing with ways to get away and get my kids out. For four long hours, he kept the gun to me, moving me around the house telling me he wanted to find a place that I wouldn't make such a mess. At one point I closed my eyes and just began praying; mostly for my kids.
Then the moment came, he told me that he loved me and put the gun to my face and pulled the trigger. Nothing happened, only the click of the gun; no pop or bang. The gun wasn't loaded. The friend who had come earlier had brought the gun unloaded. I cried with relief.
It was morning by now and his mom called his phone. It was unusual for her to call because it was so early, but she said that she wanted us to go to breakfast with her before we left. He agreed and told me to go get ready.
Eventually I was able to safely leave the relationship. I don't think about it often, but sometimes I still struggle with dreams about it. Yesterday while listening to that song, I became so overwhelmed with God's protection over me!
Jesus hadn't just magicly popped into my life when I asked Him to, He had always been in my life! Protecting me and comforting me. I had called out to Him that night and He saved me!
Humbled is an understatement of what I felt yesterday. That song made me realize that God had made me and even though I had turned my back on my maker, He never turned His back on me! When I thought I was only good enough for a man who abused me, He was yelling from the mountain tops that I was worth so much more; I was worth His life!

Happy New Year!!!!

Last night we rang in the New Year with our friends, Chad and Amber! We played a very interesting game of monopoly and exchanged Christmas gifts. No talks about New Years resolutions which was good because I have a hard time seeing mine through January:D
Looking back at 2008, I am overwhelmed with what God has done in my life. Yes, I know I still have a billion miles to go, but I am so grateful for the few miles I gained in 08'. A BIG one for me was learning to let go of what I call "the little things." You know; how Mackenzie's hair looks or if Trevor's clothes match or how Jarrod cleaned the kitchen.
The biggest thing I let go in 08' was my hatred for my father. No, we haven't made amends but I have forgiven him and I pray for the day that I can ask him to forgive me too for the anger and bitterness that I have been hanging on to for so long.
Another milestone for me in 08' was my relationship with my husband. I did not really understand what it meant to be a wife or how to let someone else come into our lives and "take control". Jarrod and I were blessed to win a weekend marriage retreat at Ridgecrest through our church, and I will say, it changed us both! I thought by most accounts, we had a good marriage; little fights here and there but we loved each other. God used that retreat to show us how much better it could be and we were both willing and ready to put Christ first in our marriage.
08' was a great year for my children as well! God chose Trevor and Mackenzie and they both accepted Christ as their savior this year! I have seen the fruits in Trevor and it is great to witness how God can use a child to do His will! He has such a heart and tons of compassion for God's people and I can't wait to see what's in store for him!
And my little girl; strong willed as ever! The fruits are there but our growth is happening more slowly! But one thing that isn't growing slowly is her love for pleasing God! If she feels she has offended Him or sinned against Him she is moved to tears. I know she will be a great disciple for Him and He will use that strong willed attitude for His glory!
After more than 5 years of being saved, I finally made the commitment and joined a church!!! YAYYYYYYY! We had been "visiting" Chad and Amber's church for over a year and we knew we felt at home there so we joined! And I joined by baptism. I finally got baptized! Jarrod had been baptized as a child but felt he made the decision without understanding the need for a personal relationship with Christ. He recommitted his life to Him and we were baptized together:D

It was a great ending to 08'! My commitment to Christ, for me, had come full circle! My closest friends and family were there to share in the day which made it all the more meaningful:D
So what's my resolution for 2009? First and foremost it's to remember who I am and whose I am! Every year I go through the cycle of putting Christ first, then getting caught up in my selfishness! I want to remember that when I am pleasing God, I am truly my happiest! I want to put my family ministry first above all other things and continue to pray for a servants heart! I also would like to stop giving up so easily when faced with someone I love who thinks that my "religion" is foolish.
To sum it all up, I just want to BE STILL, AND KNOW HE IS GOD!

Skeleton in the closet update!

The trial is over, and the verdict is in.... Guilty on 3 counts of 1st degree murder and sexual assault.

Kenny has been sentenced to life in prison and I am torn about this verdict. On the one hand, I am grateful because my grandmother could not handle the stress if he would have been sentenced to die. On the other hand, what he did was horrific and death would have been fitting to the crime.

But I don't question God and I know he is in control so I am comforted in that:) I am just so glad that this four year nightmare has finally come to an end for my family. Now we can move on and begin to heal.

As I said before, this situation brought up a lot of unresolved issues in our family and I pray that we can deal with the real issues at hand now that this is over. I just love how God will use the sins and situations of others, to show us the sins in ourselves:) He's funny like that!
I want to praise God for His sovereignty and I have already seen him glorified through this ordeal.

My mom has forgiven my grandmother and they have begun rebuilding their relationship. They got together over Thanksgiving for the first time in a while and I am grateful!

This tragedy gave me an opportunity to witness to my family. I know many of the things I said shocked them at times, but in the end, you can't argue with truth!
My prayer now will continue to be for healing in my family, but also for Kenny's salvation! I pray that he will turn to the Lord and repent for the sins he committed so that he too can join his maker and be with his mother, brother and sister!

Make a Smilebox greeting

THANKS ~ giving!

"Enter His gates with Thanksgiving and His courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise His name." Ps 100:4

I have seen this verse pop up a lot lately with the Thanksgiving holiday here and it's funny because this is the verse we're teaching our kids at school, but I really hadn't thought much about it's meaning until last weekend. I realized that I have soooooooo much to give thanks for and that's what this blog is about!

First and foremost, I want to give thanks to my merciful, loving maker and savior! I was lost, broken, lonely, depressed, desperate, angry, selfish, resentful, mentally and sexually broken, hateful, ( I could go on, but my self-esteem can't take it:-) I rebuked God and everything He and his people stood for! They were freaks to me, nerds, people with no lives, hypocrites and so on. I never thought I'd see the day where I would be so proud to be one of those "freaks"!!!!
My life is full of purpose and meaning, and all the love I was so desperately seeking, He gave me. And His love is far better than I had ever imagined it would be! I am thankful to no longer be in bondage to my past life and I am forever grateful for the new life I have been given!

"Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the worst." 1 Tim. 1:15

Thank you Jesus for your unconditional love and for giving your life so that I could be reborn with a passion and desire to serve and love only you!

Next, I am so thankful for my husband and children! I searched and searched to find someone so that I could have stability and love in my life. I never found it on my own! When I stopped focusing on my wants and realized I had a greater need (Jesus), He provided me with exactly what I needed! According to the world, every card was stacked against our relationship. I was a single mom, with two bi-racial children from different men. I was fiercely independent, bossy and angry most of the time. (If you ask my husband, he may say we're still working on some of those:-)

We met, 6 months later we were engaged, and within a year we were married! I have never experienced love like the love we have! Together, we have grown in our relationship with the Lord by leaps and bounds! The closer we grow towards God the closer Jarrod and I become to one another! I love my husband and the way he loves me! I also love the way he cares and provides for my children like they're his own!

Thank you Jesus for providing me with a Godly husband! Thank you for using him to show me what Godly love feels like and for showing me that I can trust others!

Along with my husband, I am thankful for my kids!! When I had my son Trevor at 16, I had no idea how to be a mother nor did I want the responsibility. Then a few years later we realized he had special needs. I was not a believer at the time so I handled it the best way I could, poorly!

I use to wish that I could go back and do things over with Trevor having the knowledge that I have now, but I am grateful that I can't go back because everything we went through brought us both closer to the Lord. God has helped me see my son for the humble, caring, creative blessing that he is, and I appreciate it so much more.

Thank you God for giving me Trev and thank you for using him to teach me patience and humility!

Oh, and little Miss Mackenzie! Jarrod says she's me, just a smaller version! Sassy, and ready to fight to the death for what she believes! There has been times that I have locked myself in the bathroom to get away from arguing with her! I know, it's sad, but true:-) But even through the battles, God has shown me the potential in her to be a great disciple for Him! I am thankful that He has entrusted me with such a precious gift!

Thank you God for giving me Kenzie and for using her to teach me patience and the need to train children up for a life serving you!

And my wonderful, wonderful friends! True friendship is something to be treasured today! I have been blessed with numerous people in my life who love me and care about me, but there are three people that God has been so gracious to share with me!

My beautiful friend Lisa! I love her dearly and God only knows why she has put up with me for over 21 years! We have shared everything and witnessed the good and bad in each others lives for over two decades! Lisa is the type of friend that even if I am dead wrong, she would never call me out in front of anyone! I can't think of a memory in my life that she is not a part of! She has always been there for me, and me for her! When I am down, she is always there to make me laugh! I can be myself with her, and she accepts that! When I stumble, she doesn't call my a hypocrite. She knew me before I was a believer and after, and she loved me all the same! I have watched her grow from a lanky, home perm wearing girl, to a beautiful, loving mother!

Thank you God for blessing my life with Lisa! Thank you for using her to teach me loyalty and the importance of forgiveness!

And another great friend in my A&W! I am sure there are hundreds of people with fond memories of her, but I like to think mine is the best:-) This girl loved me and never gave up on planting the seed of the gospel in my life! If I had a dollar for every time I heard her say," Today is the day of your salvation," I could retire! God used her to lead me to him and she was there when I prayed Him into my life! She never left me when I was carnal, and discipled me until I could stand on my own! She has always been the friend, that no matter how busy, I can call on her anytime, and I do!

Thank you God for sending Nicole into my life! Thank you for using her to open my heart and mind to your love and sovereignty!

Last, but far from least is my Ambi! What a blessing she has been in my life! It's awesome how God knows when we need certain people and He is always on time in providing us with them:-) This girl works with me EVERYDAY, we go to Sunday school and church together, she tutors my son, we do a Bible study together, and on, and on! You would think that we would be sick of each other, but I can't get enough of her! I probably call her every night of the week! She is the friend that will always tell me the truth whether I want it or not! She is such a Godly person that she keeps me accountable most times without saying a word! She knows the shameful secrets of my past and doesn't judge! When I stumble, she's there to brush me off and push me back out there!

Thank you God for putting Amber in my life to be that constant encourager that I need! Thank you for using her to teach me acceptance and the importance of a Christ centered life!

On this Thanksgiving, and everyday I give thanks, I will be grateful for the blessings, big and small in my life!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

Skeletons in the closet....

It's close to Halloween and I thought this was an appropriate title for this post. We all have things in our life that we choose not to share out of fear of judgment. Well, this is one of those things.
I was reading a friends blog recently and was truly inspired by her honesty about a situation she was going through so it encouraged me to be more transparent with this situation.
Four years ago my cousin committed a sinful, and horrific act by killing his mother, brother and sister. Our family has been divided by this and it has brought out some things that had been "swept under the rug" for a long time.
My grandmother is supporting my cousin, Kenny, and visits him every week and has been way involved since day one. She is a believer, but has been fooled by many "wolves" during these four years. Although she knows the word is true, she tends to bend it now.
I'm not sure their motives, but the lawyers and several others have actually compared my cousin to Jesus. I shutter to even type that, but it's true. I have been in close contact with my grandmother during all of this because I want to be the voice of truth in her life right now, and gratefully, she listens.
In the other corner is my mother, my aunt and my uncle. They have all decided to avoid my grandmother, their mother, like the plaque until the trial is over. (it started today)
They all are holding onto a lot of baggage from their childhood and are very bitter about many things going on right now.
My mom, who is awesome, will listen to truth but is just not ready to forgive right now. I was reminded about the days before I had Jesus and just how angry I was about everything and everyone. Even when I said I was ok, there was still bitterness in my heart. There was no true peace or joy in my life, even when things were going good!
Just pray that everyone will see God's sovereignty during and after this and that his will, will be done! I also ask that you pray for forgiveness and healing in my family and that those who do not know God, or have been away for a long time will come to know Him as their Lord! And pray for Kenny and his salvation. His mother and brother and sister had accepted the Lord as their savior just weeks before they died! I know Kenny did a horrible thing, but he is no less deserving of salvation than me so please pray that he too will seek forgiveness!